Do I Exist at All? (A Madman's Monologue) [Revised]

I'm looking around. Or rather, I'm trying to look around. I don't know if I'm really looking around. Why not? Because I can't see anything anywhere. It's pitch-dark. Not a single sound. Where am I? I think that just a while ago I was somewhere in a world where I could see things, like people, animals, plants, and things like that. But now, I can't see anything. Have I turned blind? Or rather, are my eyes shut? I think I have my eyes wide open. But I'm not sure. There's no mirror here. Or rather, if there is a mirror at all, I can't find it anyway. I can't find anything. Not a sound, either. I can't hear anything at all. But yes, I do hear something. Something like a distant, supersonic-like sound. A long succession of high-pitched sound. I hear it all the time. I'm not sure if it's a real sound. It may be the sound of a machine, or myriads of machines, like refrigerators, air-conditioners, automobiles, factories, telephones, vacuum cleaners, and just about everything in the world. I think I'm in the world as I know it. It's the world where I was born. Or was I? If I remember correctly, I'm supposed to have been born out of two human beings, a male and a female. People, or rather, those whom I believe are people, call them my parents. I've always believed they were my parents. They claim to have loved me, cherished me, ever since I was born. Or was I born at all? What if someone up there, or down there, or somewhere in the middle in the air brought me, or rather, dragged me, down into this dump from somewhere in the universe? People, or rather, those ape-like beings who walk around on legs and move things around with hands and shout and yell and scream and utter meaningless sounds that they claim to be language -- who has brought them here? Well, I just said "here." But I don't know where I am any more. I can't see anything and can't hear anything any more. Then how do I know I exist at all? Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I can't move my arms or legs either. My arms -- I think I had them until a while ago. But I can't feel them any longer. I try to move them around but I just don't think they are there where they used to be. The same is true of my legs, or rather what I thought were my legs. I think I'm in a bed or something, with my back on the bedding and my face upwards. Since I don't know if I have my legs or arms any longer, I'm trying to move around with the rest of me. I'm trying to wriggle with my lumbar part, but I just can't seem to move around. I shout. I try to call for someone. Am I in a hospital or something? If so, there must be a nurse or doctor somewhere. Hey, nurse, help! But no one responds. The pitch darkness is still there, without the slightest sign of human or animal presence anywhere. Not the slightest sound. Perhaps I'm both blind and deaf. I shout again. No answer. I think I've been shouting, but am I by any chance mute? I think I've been hearing my voice, but then again, I was just saying I might be deaf. If I really am deaf, then how can I hear myself shout? Perhaps if I do think I hear myself speak, it may be simply because I'm having an illusion. I think I've read and heard somewhere that those who've lost their legs as a result of a surgical operation have the illusion that they still have their legs intact. That kind of illusion I may be having about my abilities of speaking and hearing -- and of seeing too. I wait and wait and wait. No one comes. Not a sound. Not the faintest beam of light. Not a touch. Not even a touch of the gentlest breeze, either. I think I'm still breathing. I can't hear myself breathe but I think I'm still breathing. So I'm still alive! What a blessing! God must still be there! Yes, God still loves me! Or does He? What if He abandoned me a long time ago? What if I'm in Hell? What if, even though I'm not in Hell, I am in a hospital, bed-ridden all the time, living like a vegetable, with all those rubber pipes stuck into my nostrils and mouth, and also into my anus and urinal hole and my veins as well? What if I'm connected to a machine that keeps my heart moving and another machine that keeps feeding me, and to yet another machine that keeps me breathing? What if I can't live another second if a single one of those machines or pipes is taken away? What if my parents and siblings are all around my bed right at this moment, looking anxiously into my face, whispering to one another, wondering what to do with me? Am I being a burden on them? Yes, of course, I am! Hospitals are a rip-off! Please, somebody, if any of you happens to know what I'm trying to shout to you, please know that I'd rather die. I can't bear the thought of being a burden on anyone. If I had the slightest means to kill myself, or rather, perform merciful killing on myself, I would do that right away. But I don't have the means. Somebody, please kill me! If you do that, you'll be saving one miserable soul. But wait. So far I've been assuming that I exist here. But do I really exist? What if all this is just a dream? Yes, it must be a dream. This kind of horrible world must not be real. Yes, everybody knows that. Terrible things are always unreal. I must be a healthy guy running around somewhere on earth and he must just be having a temporary daydream that I am here bed-ridden in a horrible hospital in the pitch darkness without being able to see, hear, or say anything. But wait. What if all this is real? Yes, people tend to believe that everything uncomfortable to them is in fact unreal. But things don't always turn out to be that way. Horrible things do happen. And this horror that I'm experiencing right now may be real. Or do I exist? What if I am unreal and just imagining things? What if I am just a short-lived bubble in a huge ocean, imagining all these things? The bubble will surely vanish in a second. And that second, which lasts only a second, that is, one-sixtieth of a minute, seems to me to be an eternity. And I have to imagine that I exist here, bed-ridden, without arms or legs, blind, deaf, and mute, without locomotive capabilities, for an eternity! Without help from anyone! I scream! Or rather, I think I am trying to scream! Help! I don't want to live, I don't want to imagine that I exist! I just want quietude!

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